| Aughh |
[31 Dec 2007|03:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 restless |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Atmosphere - Get Fly |
] |
My mom found my hookah, bummerrrrrr.
But, I need to share this song, because it's fucking sweet. Especially the lyrics to the first stanza ( :] ) and second half.
Get Fly
They want us to fight, but we just wanna' get high
Work all day, all night tryin' to get fly
When I get some money imma' buy me some time
I can't fight your war until I’m finished with mine
I used to be mad at the government
Redirected some of my anger towards the mothership
Tryin' to guess which shell living hell sleeps under
When the grand scheme plan keeps all these people wondering
Why we still runnin' in place frustrated
Pride is mistaken for hate, it’s upgraded
I got a little breath left, let’s suffocate it
Point at the epiphanies and call ‘em all drug related
The time I spent with my life on bent
Tryin' to find the friends inside my head
Must have disengaged every phase of the stage
With my I’m coming I’m coming I’m coming of age
My unofficial autobio
Will be accompanied with tips on how to smile
'Cause I found that when they don’t see you frown
They never know that you’re a threat and they don’t sweat you when you come around
So who’s gonna be my next door savior
Step up to your neighbor and do me a favor
Take off the mask, let it all collapse
Empty the pack and watch your wings grow back
Society becomes jealousy
Intimacy becomes intensity
Say it with a smile like it’s meant to be
And all of a sudden, BOOM, American family
And I could tell when you’re mad at your past
Because you tend to take them turns just a little too fast
I could tell how you pushed your foot on the gas
That you already knew that you was gonna' finish last
Slow it down and take a little time
To look up at them clouds with that fake silver lining
Up in a tree knowin damn well you’ll never reach the top
But you don’t stop, you keep climbing
Well okay, it’s settled
No more nights in this weed and thorn-infested meadow
Uh-uh, from this day forth only forward I pedal
Get the memo, I’m cutting the strings, Geppetto
Shuffle the cards and let’s argue
Rooted in between the computer games and cartoons
Stop it watch us all get lost
Between God and a shot of scotch;
Let’s get fly
Atmosphere - Get Fly
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| Hitting Rock Bottom |
[26 Dec 2007|05:05am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sad |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Bonobo - Nothing Owed |
] |
I miss you. I miss you so much. I miss touching your back and feeling how soft your skin is. I miss knowing how wide it is and how it feels against me, whole. The way you smell. The way it's different right after you shower. I miss the smell of your hair on my pillows right after you leave for work, because it only takes a second for me to miss you and want to smell them again. I miss you so much that sometimes I just have to grab my hair and squeeze my eyes shut, and all I can do is stretch my mouth wide and make silence, and all I can feel is hurt. I miss the way your voice sounds when you say things softly to me, to make me feel better, to tell me you love me. I miss your face and the way you look, and seeing you. I miss kissing your face as softly as I can when we are lying down and you are telling me things, and falling asleep holding your hand with your arm around me. I miss waking up intending on touching you but realize how we fell asleep was so perfect that I want you to wake up and see, and kissing your eyelids so you slowly come out of sleep. I miss that you think you aren't creative, but you make the most heartbreakingly sweet presents I've ever received from anyone. I miss that kissing you never became boring, and you understand that sometimes that's all I want because that's how much I love you. I miss that you are sweet to me even when I won't let arguments go, and that no matter what, it felt better to be in your arms than to be angry at you. I miss when me saying I was sorry meant something to you. I miss the possibility of things being okay after we fought. I miss the time you dragged yourself to my house after you got beat up by your brother, and how worried I was about you and how I would just hold you in your sleep, and how I didn't realize how much it means to me that my house was where you felt safe staying. I miss the uneven texture of your face from old scars, and the way getting used to how beautiful your face was never meant your face was any less beautiful. I miss that you like stupid little things as much as you do, and I miss having the chance to show you I don't care if they're stupid because I care about you. I miss when crying this hard and feeling this way in my chest was a distant memory you helped push into the past. I miss that you used to buy me little gifts, and I used to make you little things. I miss not having to wonder if you changed your relationship status on your stupid MySpace page. I miss the first time I cried to you about something that wasn't about us, and the way you held my head in your lap and the jeans you were wearing that day, and going out for breakfast after and not wanting to go home because I was afraid and I felt safe with you. I miss putting my legs in your lap when we sit at tables, and the way you pull me closer to you. I miss when you took me to the movies after my mom kicked me out, and that you were the home I ran away to. I miss when knowing what your favorite candy is mattered. I miss the smell of your semen after we have sex. I miss the honest sound of your voice when you heard a song you liked on my iPod, and I miss that you aren't too proud to admit anything. I miss that you are so much better than I am at some things, at being a good person. I miss the way you looked at me when you loved me and that was right. I miss sitting on my bed with just my lamp on, and you standing in front of me and having to stretch my neck up to kiss you while you had to stoop over to kiss me. I miss the way you wash me in the shower, how you need to use Dial soap and scrub yourself as hard as possible and how my first instinct is to be as careful as possible with your genitals. I miss the freckles on your shoulders so much that when I think of the first time I wrote about them, it makes me start crying again. I miss being able to tell you these things when I belonged to you, and I miss not being nervous about being naked in front of you when I sit down. I miss the way you ran your fingertips over my face, just because you loved the way it felt. I miss that you would love me even if my hair was short and ended up looking horrible, and I love that the only thing that would make you upset about the way I looked is if the way I looked changed. I miss looking at you and feeling lucky that I had a beautiful boyfriend. I miss seeing things I think you would like and wanting you to have them. I miss those moments when I was so happy that I could somehow imagine us being together for years and years. I miss that even when we argued again and I remembered how dangerous it is to think that way, we'd end up smiling and happy and what ended up feeling right was going with it and seeing what happened, because in those moments I felt optimistic enough to not think heartbreak was what would happen. I miss the blue-green of your eyes, and remembering the first time we hung out and you tried to show them to me under your light, and the way being close to your face felt dangerous and too much to say no to. I miss the way I only want to have sex with you because I only love you, except I don't miss that at all because it never went away. I miss being able to wake up before you do after we fall asleep having sex, and whispering into your ear until I knew you were listening to me; I miss that the only time I have ever called you 'baby' was when I thought you were still sleeping in one of those moments, and I had to play it off like I was trying it as a joke because I was too embarassed to say that I really just wanted to call you that. I miss looking at pictures of you on my phone and smiling, and remembering the first time I had a picture of you to carry around and how I looked at it all day during school. I remember the first time we were exploring each other, and the first time you gave me an orgasm, and not remembering if that was a particularly special moment because it's happened too many times since then. I miss not having to wonder whether or not you'll come back, and not having to wonder whether or not you should or if I should take you back because it hurts so much to be without you. I miss going grocery shopping with you and stopping to look at things you didin't need to buy, and you letting me smell all the laundry detergents because I wanted to. I miss holding your hand when we walk places, and how you know that I like it when your thumb is on the outside because your hands are bigger than mine and it feels right. I miss the first and only time we cooked together, and how you said it was delicious even though the fish had too much seasoning on it, and looking forward to cooking more together. I miss that you said that if we lived together you wanted fruit in the house and not a lot of candy, and how happy it made me that you still think about those things. I miss watching movies on my couch and deciding whether or not to pay attention to the way it feels to lie against your chest or the actual movie. I miss wanting to do things together, and wanting to spend time with just each other. I miss the one time we thought about what we would do if the other died, and how I was lying in bed with you and we ended up crying together and kissing after because that's how badly we needed to be re-centered. I miss when I thought apologizing to you would work. I miss the way you are just tall enough to fit perfectly with my short body. I miss watching you do naked pushups on my bedroom floor, and the way thinking about how strong you were made me want to kiss you hard. I miss correcting your grammar, and the way the first time it snowed, I took a picture of you as you slept, and when I fell back asleep, you did the same thing without even knowing. I miss the way I said on our one-year that I hoped next year you felt better, because I wanted there to be a next year. I miss the way I always press my face into your neck, because your skin is so smooth there, and the way you smell makes me wrap my arms around you instead of stepping back. I miss the way I would think about the reasons we are too different, and how when I did they really weren't that bad, and the reasons why I loved you were so much more important. I miss having you because now I see how I stopped seeing those reasons in the things you did and the things you said, and it makes me feel so horrible that I don't really blame you for leaving. I miss the way when I think of making you come to the beach with me, I think of how you will crisp under the sun while I just get bronzer and bronzer, and how in the summer you and I look so different, and how nice that is, because on the inside we would look the same if love looked a certain way. I miss the way it feels to have your fingers in my hair, and the way remembering us makes me think of the good memories a lot more vividly than the bad. I miss that you showed me you are trying and that you just wanted patience, and that even when I could have given you so much more, you thanked me for what you had. I miss that you always paid for things, not because you spent money on me, but because it was really sweet every time you did it, and you never once said anything about it. I miss that you told me you wanted me to play music all day because you liked it the one time I left it on by accident, and how it made me realize we still have so much to learn about each other. I miss the way I know exactly how certain things will happen during sex, and how that isn't boring at all, but something I want.
I miss you. I miss you so much that no matter how much I empty myself of tears from writing this out, because it's the only way I can direct something that needs to burst, that I will just tire my hands, my eyes, and my brain because words will always run out before the feeling behind them does. I miss you like the sun misses the moon. I miss you and the way we spoke of kittens and one that represented me, and how much you loved her, and I miss when reading the messages you sent me of holding her made me cry for a different reason.
I miss you.
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[21 Dec 2007|02:21am] |
| [ |
music |
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Foo Fighters - Everlong |
] |
Breathe out
so I can breathe you in
Hold you in
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| Friends-Only |
[20 Dec 2007|04:58am] |
Friends-only.
Comment to be added.
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| Thoughts, Being Lucky, Loving, Life |
[20 Dec 2007|04:29am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Amon Tobin - 4 Ton Mantis |
] |
(written after I finished) This is probably one of the posts I've written that may actually be worth reading.
I'm not sure what to write when there's so much I haven't written about.
I think about the past a lot, but I don't really feel it. I have a spectrum of memories from moments that were so alive I couldn't feel them for a different reason - it was like the world had spun around me, and my head still had to adjust. There was a point in time where it was revealed to me how long it takes your heart to start beating again after you crush it into the ground. Now I'm wondering if we're meant to feel time the way we do when we're kids, when it's like the past is tangible, and you can actually feel what it means when you say "that was so long ago". Maybe we're supposed to grow out of that, or maybe it's just me. I saw Laura this past weekend, and it was like I had seen her yesterday. Nothing felt different, despite so much change.
When I think about it, though, I'm not sure how much really has changed. How much could have changed when you feel like the same person, and not in that way where you get older and you don't feel it; I mean the way where you feel unphased, for better or worse. I'm learning a lot, but I'm waiting for something to floor me. I don't need to be jarred out of this, but it seems to me like a calm before a storm, and I'm trying to be optimistic and hope for something that will make me smile.
What I think is happening is this: I'm not moving so fast because I'm gaining perspective. Picture autumn in the afternoon, on one of those days where it's not winter enough to get dark before the evening, but the air is cold enough to turn your skin raw. I'm lucky that I can picture a day like that and picture the quietness and sweet air of a place surrounded by trees. What I see is me walking, and stopping, and breathing. Letting the leaves float down around me, and reaching my hand out to let one fall into my palm.
I hear kids, or young people, talk about life, and it makes me smile. It's my first semester of college, I'm only eighteen, still too young to be calling kids "kids" without assuring I'm not trying to be pretentious, and I'm already starting to see how quickly each day will change what you think you see. And change doesn't make what you saw incorrect. I think people start to learn that life is hard when they're in high school. I hear them talk about how people are going to push you down, how life is just going to fuck you over sometimes, and that's okay. It is okay. But life isn't so hard for most of the kids I hear that from. I haven't really known a lot of people who had the absolution kids are bestowed stolen from them. Even when your life is hard, when you're a kid, there's a certain amount of sympathy and a certain amount of expectation you have to work with; I feel like, as you get older, you get less of the first and more of the latter. Everyone knows that, but you don't really know it until you're out of that element. I'm still in school, my parents still have my back, and I'm sure as hell not on my own yet, but even from someone who didn't wax poetic on the hard knocks of life, I'm still humbled by how good it is to be young. You hear about how people are going to try to tear you down, but how hard can people really tear you down when you're not on your own? And in high school? If you've got a grip on yourself, get pissed about it and get sublime about how that's the way life is, because it's that easy when you're young. I think about how, when you're on your own, when it's all you, if you get pushed down, you've got a hell of a lot farther to fall. I think about high school and how easy it is to write things off, because you don't have to work that hard to make a home to fall back on. I'm lucky. I never forget that. I've got a palace to fall back on, and I had the privledge to focus on myself and make my mind a home.
I'm not going to be redundant and say this as if I've got a new ephiphany to share, because I don't feel like this is new. I feel like this is something that fell into place, into my palm. You hear about broadening your horizons so you can learn something new. There must be some kind of unspoken universe with a horizon I'd have to squint to see, because sometimes I'm rendered breathless by how lucky I feel. There are places where innocent children are being burned alive by men who premediated something that evil, and here I am, nice clothes on my back, sweet music filling this heated room, a laptop under my hands, a huge cup of tea sitting indifferently, and a heart that holds no emptiness other than any doubt or curiosity I myself entertain. I'm in college because I was privledged enough to have that be the norm, I don't have to fear for my safety as a woman walking down a street, and I don't have to be with anyone I don't want to be with. I'm that lucky.
I think about people I knew and people I thought I knew. People I'd like to know, and how much I can let go, and how much of my pride I can swallow. Most of the time, I feel like I don't have much to hide, but I notice when I regress and make secrets. But I'm not that torn up about it. I've got my head on straight, and I'm learning to see the humanity in people instead of what I think is there instead. I think people are a lot friendlier than I used to give them credit for, and the ones I was wrong about aren't enough of a loss to make me change my outlook. There's a girl I don't feel like disliking on an inherent level anymore, and it feels good to have one less person to better, to let sick curiosity turn into plain interest. In retrospect, I wouldn't call it jealousy, but I don't know what word I'd give it. It feels good to let go of trying for something I didn't even really want. To let old roots dry up and shrivel.
Last week I lay back and thought of my boyfriend, and I genuinely smiled. It felt good to feel warm inside, to think that, sometimes, just one person can make me feel like things are going to be okay. I know things will be okay. I'm smart, and I'm lucky. But I think I lose sight of how precious it is when someone makes you feel it that much more. Somewhere not so far away, there is a boy who sits on my bedroom floor with me and puts his arms around me, and makes me miss the solid broadness I so familiarly press my chest into. It's the kind of revelation that makes your throat and your nose sting, remembering that gentle darkness of night, and quietness, and being held because that's what people who love each other want to do. I'm not sure how much just any body can fill that void that catches up to you, if it could feel as good. That's what making love is like. I stopped thinking that phrase was trite a long time ago, when I failed to come up with something better. It makes me miss that, which is greedy of me considering I'm not lacking it, but it's still there. It's easy to let sex turn into fucking, into something carnal and excellent, but I wish I could be with Mike on call, to have more moments when thinking of him makes my chest feel warm be crystallized without words.
I don't smoke weed every day anymore. I'm not against it, and I don't look down on it at all, because I've been there. But I don't feel like doing it every day, and even during that brief period of time, I didn't do it because that's exactly what I wanted. It happened. I only smoke hookah with Paul, and really the only times I light up are when I'm at home on the weekends. Getting high with him and watching cartoons together is a ritual I look forward to. Smoking is an act in itself that I enjoy, and if I already love music enough and feel it in me when I'm sober, you can imagine what it's like when I'm high. It makes me want to make art, and I do. I draw things without meaning to, because the art forces its way out of me. I've been drawing a lot of hands, a lot of a particular kind of hands, and they mean something to me. It's as if I can make something out of the air, as though I could reach my hands out and skim the surface of a sculpture that is waiting for me to make it. I did shrooms recently, and it was an experience that showed me nirvana and left me warm and quiet. I'm doing them again this winter break, and I'm looking forward to it. It's not something I am craving, but something I welcome like an old friend. It reminds me of how lucky I am, to have the perspective I do. I don't mean that in a condescending way, but in a way that admits to my spoiled naivette. It's easy to be optimistic when you don't have worries eating away at your soul. When I was coming down, I contacted people I had lost touch with, including my ex, because I just wanted to let people know I truly hoped they were happy. It's a good feeling, to want well-being for others.
I'm looking forward to this weekend. I'm looking forward to the future, and anticipating and already grounding myself for those falls. Because they're scary, and they're supposed to be. But fear is something you let pass through you, and when it's done, you're still there, standing. I try not to talk like I know a lot about life, because I'm just eighteen, and I'm going by a lot of speculation and personal experience, but lately, I feel so calm that it makes me think that I'm getting it right without having to try. Every time I feel that way, it's like "I'm lucky" becomes my mantra, because I am if I can feel that good. My baseline may be a baseline, but when I think about the world, that baseline is a pretty great place to be.
So maybe that's what's changed. Something so subtle, but so important, that the change isn't so important as much appreciating it is.
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| A Memory Made |
[20 Dec 2007|03:20am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Michael Jackson - Remember the Time |
] |
I'm looking forward to the day enough time has passed to let me really look back and remember the first paper I wrote for college:
Yeeeeah just looked at that Microsoft Word window, and the first thought was, "fuuuuuuuuuuuck."
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| Paper Proposal |
[09 Dec 2007|06:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 busy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Monk & Canatella - Roughead |
] |
( Proposal for the One Paper I've Had to Write All Semester )
WOOOOOORD UP, AP ENGLISH.
If you're in it, seriously strive to get a four on the test, because it exempts you from the bullshit expository writing classes that make you write a paper every week.
Definitely one of the best examples of how working your ass off one year will totally pay off in the future. AP credits, I love you.
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| Interesting |
[08 Nov 2007|11:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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thoughtful |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Jim Sturgess - Something |
] |
I was looking for a particular post and found this one... it's so interesting to read it after time has passed. When I posted it, I made it private to everyone, including Brandon. It's public now, obviously.
iMaxed (</a></b></a>![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) imaxed5770) wrote,
@ 2006-06-23 20:37:00
7:19 PM me:I do appreciate what you do now and I do my best to deal with thesituation. Either way I don't feel safe saying things about it anymoreas I did earlier so I don't think I will. 7:20 PM Brandon: It's like this. It would make things for us a ton easier if you were older. 7:21 PM I could bring that up over and over and it would not help anything.
Those are NOT the same. I can't just place "be older" in between sleeping and school and other things in my life. I have no choice about it. I can't rearrange my priorities and try to fit that one in. There is nothing I can cut short in order to squeeze in more time to be older. It is literally IMPOSSIBLE.
And anyway, I thought it was a GOOD thing that I was younger. Is it good, or is it bad now? Tell me and clarify once and for all, please, where is the line drawn so I can know when to expect my age to be used against me or to be placed in a negative perspective.
Sometimes I imagine what it would have been like if I had told him I didn't want to talk that night.
It is no fucking wonder why people get sick of relationships. I doubt this is a singular case, so is it like this for everyone? Are all relationships full of bullshit?
I don't appreciate him? FUCK. THAT. How many times have I been in a position where I am certain any other girl would have seriously considered fucking ending it completely, with good reason, and very well may have done just that? How many times have I accepted him in spite of him treating me like shit and making me feel like shit, how many times have I never been apologized to when any decent boyfriend would have had the balls to say "I'm sorry", how many times have I been spoken to, or rather, condescended to, despite my attempts to have both of us step back and asess the situation like people are SUPPOSED TO; how many times have I had to change without any compromise, how many times have been snarled at when I ALWAYS TREAD ON EGGSHELLS, how many times have I had to beat off antagonistic stabs in arguments I never wanted to have, how many times have I tried my fucking hardest and SUCCEEDED in holding back retorts and any signs of aggravation and hurt because I KNOW how horrible it makes the other person feel and how it only makes things worse, when in any other situation with any other person I would have done what is natural to me and FOUGHT BACK; how many times have I felt like if I DON'T try my fucking hardest to defend myself I'll be suffocated and shut up and left to sit and fucking cry and take all the blame?
EXCUSE ME IF I TELL YOU I WISH I COULD TALK TO YOU MORE; I UNDERSTAND HOW FUCKING UNREASONABLE OF A DESIRE THAT IS NOW AND I AM SORRY I'M SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON FOR IT. I'M SORRY IF I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE STRESS OF SOMEONE SAYING THEY WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU MORE BECAUSE THEY MISS YOU, PARDON ME FOR NEVER GETTING IT RIGHT, EXCUSE ME FOR EVERYTHING BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY I CAN'T TAKE TWO STEPS WITHOUT DOING SOMETHING WRONG. I HOPE MY NEW-AND-IMPROVED SURE-TO-NEVER-FAIL PLAN OF JUST KEEPING MY STUPID, PAIN-IN-THE-ASS MOUTH SHUT MAKES FOR A SMOOTHER FUTURE; I'LL BE SURE TO KEEP YOU INFORMED ON THE PROGRESS OF MY TENDENCY TO HAVE UNREASONABLE WISHES BEING ELIMINATED BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY I'LL NEVER GET IT RIGHT UNTIL THAT HAPPENS.
Once again, I'm sorry, you're right, it's all my fault, I really shouldn't be so unreasonable, I really shouldn't bother you with my fucking issues, I really need to get a move on regarding that whole not sucking at being a girlfriend!, I'm sorry, would it make it easier if I knew how to be a better girlfriend for you?, I'm sorry, should I keep my hands tied tighter behind my back and should I squeeze my eyes shut harder as the blood taste seeps over my punctured tongue (it's such a FAMILIAR sensation at this point), I'm sorry, you're right, I'm such a fucking child all the time and I can't compare to your PERFECT ADULT MENTALITY, and most of all I am sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm SO FUCKING SORRY FOR BEING SO FUCKING LOUD ABOUT IT.
Change is intriguing. I seemed to have had a pretty good grip on perspective, considering that was my first relationship. Proof that it's easier to say that you wouldn't tolerate shit from a boyfriend and would dump him if he did such-and-such than it is to actually follow through.
Life is a fascinating process.
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| Progress, Across the Universe |
[04 Nov 2007|05:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
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311 - Amber |
] |
Things with Mike got better. We worked it out, thankfully. Little by little, I am starting to feel more 'normal'. There are still times when I feel like parts of me can't feel, or times when I think about whether or not I am really happy, but I take that day by day. I've become fairly proficient at that. The nice thing about becoming better is that while those moments still occur, much better moments are becoming increasingly frequent. It is a good feeling.
We saw Across the Universe on Friday. It was incredible. It's now one of my absolute favorite movies. You don't even have to like the Beatles to see it, or musicals for that matter, because I usually dislike musicals (though I do like The Beatles). This movie didn't seem like a musical - the songs didn't jut out, and it wasn't saccharine or frivolous. The songs were part of the movie as though they were merely another way to express what the characters were doing or saying. And the actors could sing. Plus Eddie Izzard was in it, and you could definitely tell it was him, which I found hilarious. The movie was aesthetically fantastic - it was really beautiful and so full of colorful imagery. Much of it was trippy, and all of it was full of feeling without being pretentious. The entire film amazed me. It may be one of the most creative movies I've ever seen... do you know how much talent it must take to compose an entire movie that is connected by at least twenty-nine Beatles songs and remains coherent, and even poignant and beautiful? And there were so many little references, many of them very clever and subtle. I basically fell in love with the whole thing - characters, story, all of it. I seriously felt like I was going to cry at points. I get like that during intense songs or movies, though. And Jim Sturgess's character is some ridiculous catch in it: Liverpool accent, beautiful voice, cute, extremely gifted artist, romantic. Way to raise the bar.
I am glad that I saw it with Mike; he's been wanting to see it together for a long time. We went to the Rave Theatre, which is a bit of a trip, but that makes it more memorable. On the car ride home, I started crying because the film took place during the Vietnam War, and it made me think of my father, who was getting shot at as he left the country for safety. It's so sad to think of him being dead, and so sad to think of how someone like him experienced that kind of sorrow and fear. It's strange to know that half of my blood came from that kind of history. And the other half came from a different war, in Lebanon. Mike and I went to the Clinton Station Diner and sat in the parking lot until I calmed down, and then we bought cake and went back to my house and had a good time. We smoked and listened to The Beatles (and Sublime), and because of all the Beatles saturating the night, they have been stuck in my head all weekend. That's not necessarily a bad thing. I looked up John Lennon's Wikipedia page, and reading the section about his death made me so sad. That must have been such a surreal time to experience.
I should get back to my Japanese homework, but I wanted to mark that the Mike drama has cleared up for the better, and that Across the Universe is a seriously amazing movie.
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| Text Messages, Sad but Real |
[23 Oct 2007|03:33pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 okay |
] |
| [ |
music |
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MF Doom - High John |
] |
( Continued )
I was falling asleep by the end, hence my redundancy and lack of composure.
If he seriously doesn't realize when he is hurting me or doing things incorrectly, then our differences aren't just surface-oriented character traits. Maybe we are too fundamentally different for me to be happy again. It's hard to look at him now and not feel my insides twist. There were already little things before just from being different and him being different in a childish way. Now there are other, bigger gaps on top of that.
I think it may just be too much, even if I do still care. Love is never the only thing you need. At this point, it's honestly difficult to believe that he can give me the other things I need.
I'll give it some time, but unless something extraordinary happens (and any serious change would be extraordinary at this point), I can only go on for so long before just ending it. If I see him, I am going to tell him everything that I don't like about him and the relationship. I think then he will see things as clearly as possible.
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| Text Messages |
[22 Oct 2007|02:08am] |
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Christabel! |
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( Old )
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| Survey |
[10 Oct 2007|04:16pm] |
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Aphex Twin - Grey Stripe |
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( For-Fun Survey )
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| General Update |
[08 Oct 2007|02:01am] |
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The Books - Tokyo |
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Sometimes I hear a song that makes me think in laughter, "Yes!" 'April 26, 1992 (Miami)' makes me laugh and want to dance in a fluid, loping slow-bebop.
It's hard to actually sit down and update about what has been going on when I have homework I need to get done and an art class playlist I need to finish. In my drawing fundamentals class, we play our iPods through a stereo my teacher provided, and my iPod esentially dominates. I didn't go to class one day, so another guy's iPod was played, and when I saw one of my friends from that class later at the dining hall, she mourned to me that his music made her want to pluck her eyeballs out, and that everyone missed mine. Needless to say, I was very flattered, as I am actually somewhat anxious about randomly revealing what music I listen to. When I make mix CDs or playlists, I deliberate over what or what not to put on them; I put a fair amount of thought into the tracks, as well as how I mix the CD. After I post this, I am actually going to take care of my Art playlist before actually doing the art homework.
I am thinking of putting green in my bangs. This would be a good time to insert a picture; however, my camera is still broken, and I don't have the funds or audacity to ask my father for a new one. This is because I know that my father would definitely get me one, and a good one at that, because he is very generous and a shopper, especially when it comes to my brother and me. I hate taking advantage of that. I was thinking of a streak, then a chunk, then all of my bangs. Before anything, I would really have to test it out with careful estimation in front of a mirror and imagination, as well as consider whether or not I really want to maintain a color as fickle as green or want roots by my bangs. And plus, bleach kills the ends of my hair, and I don't want haggard ends right by my face. Green is up there on my list of favorite fake hair colors. I have no hesitations on doing this in terms of it being unusual, as when I proposed my idea for rainbow hair, all I got was negative feedback; now all I get is positive feedback, and on a regular basis. I completely abandoned the idea of dyeing my hair back to normal for college, as I go home on weekends (I feel no misgivings about this) and can do touch-ups in the comfort and privacy of my own spacious bathroom. I think I get at least five comments a week on my hair colors, and I've gotten a handful of requests to dye other people's hair, to which I reply that I am not a professional but will do what I can (they usually forget about these requests anyway).
If I'm not going to update on the dynamics of my college life, I can at least list my classes:
-Drawing Fundamentals at 8:10 AM to 11:10 AM on Mondays and Wednesdays
-Intro to Communication at 11:30 to 12:50 on Mondays and Thursdays
-Elementary Japanese at 1:10 to 2:30 on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays
-Intro to Literature at 4:30 to 5:50 on Mondays and Wednesdays (fuck yeah for placing out of Expository Writing - take your APs seriously, trust me)
-Reproductive Politics seminar at 12:30 to 1:50 on Tuesday
-First Year Interest Group on communication at 11:30 on Wednesday
I don't really go to my Communication lecture because it's boring as fuck and I decided I hate lecture classes (thankfully that is my only one). Reproductive Politics is by far the most fascinating, and it has helped me to decide what I want to pursue in terms of education and a career (something which will further my pro-choice stance on abortion and prevent legislation to make abortion completely illegal). Drawing is pretty sweet, and I enjoy being the unofficial DJ. Japanese is also really interesting, and my teacher is an adorable, hilarious little Japanese woman. My FIG is a joke, but it's taught by a fun senior, and we usually get out early. Intro to Lit is alright; my teacher is funny and smart, but I'm starting to feel like I'm not really learning anything, and I get sick of the intellectual masturbation; sometimes I can almost see the cumstains on the ceiling from how hard my classmates read into the text, aka. pump their throbbing, over-analyzing dicks. Incidentally, my professor is like something out of an Oscar Wilde piece - he is like the manifestation of male beauty. His face is perfection! I don't even mean that in a way that would imiply that I am attracted to him - I'm not, and I mean that sincerely. He has the kind of beauty that demands analyzation. Alas, I feel that my descriptions cannot possibly convey what I mean, and on top of that, I feel vaguely like a tool for using the word 'alas'.
I am also taking a yoga class on Tuesday, a bellydance class with my friend, Allan, on Wednesday, and a pilates class on Thursday. Yoga is fucking fantastic, and next semester I am doing it at least twice a week. I love it. Bellydance is fun because Allan and another dormmate and I are taking it together, and it's dancing. I already dance well, but taking a class where you have to learn to do specific things that you would otherwise not do is challenging in a good, rewarding way. Pilates is surprisingly easy, but I'm in a beginner-level class because I didn't want to jump the gun and end up killing myself in a class I wasn't ready for. Rutgers is great in that it offers lots of these types of non-credit classes that would otherwise be extremely expensive if I were not a student.
Mike and I were in a bad place for a week or two after that major incident I relayed via AIM conversation, but on Friday we had a long argument/talk/me crying (which I actually don't normally do aside from intensely emotional and typically negative situations with Mike), and since then we are much better. I am glad, because those two weeks had me in a very strange, unsettling emotional state. I'm not completely back to normal yet, but I will either shift to a different 'normal' or will simply need more time. Things do work out in the end, which is something I have learned even with my meager eighteen years of life experience.
Lately my days consist mostly of class, chilling out with friends, seeing Mike and Paul (Paul has been visiting me!), smoking weed and hookah, having privately hilarious adventures involving the persistent denial and intentional frustration of a very deserving dormmate, and going home on weekends. This isn't a bad way to be at all. That cliche about not realizing how much high school blows until you get to college is completely and utterly true. Though high school was alright in its frivolity and relative lack of responsibility, I do not miss being stuck there for my entire day by any means. I do miss certain teachers, but that's really it. I don't feel connected to high school at all - it was something that merely happened. At this point, I cannot imagine returning to that world, not even as a teacher. It would be like just beginning to stretch your legs and then immediately being crammed back into a tiny box. I wasn't expecting college to be this nice, so I am very pleased to be here, especially since I can go home on weekends. I said earlier that I feel no misgivings about not staying on weekends, and that is because there are always parties on Thursday and Friday if I want to attend one, and aside from that, there isn't much else to do. I honestly feel that I would get more homework done than anything. Plus, by going home I can do laundry easily, as well as go shopping for anything I need. Most importantly, though, I get to see Mike, Paul, my family, and my cats. The only downside is that sometimes my friends throw parties on weekends, though the only one I've missed was one on the weekend after Mike and I got into that huge incident. Understandably, I wanted to go home to scope out that situation.
I seriously need to get back to work, but it was pleasant to write an impromptu and fairly comprehensive post! Maybe next time I will post some cellphone pictures.
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| Recent Event |
[26 Sep 2007|09:43pm] |
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Yeah so I was going to make a massive post about what's up lately, what with being in college now, but my entry got overwritten, so that's going to wait until later.
( Troubles )
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| Fun |
[20 Sep 2007|02:19pm] |
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!!! - When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Karazee |
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 | You scored as Switch, You know what you want but it has nothing to do with your own role in the bedroom. You have the ability to be flexible in that area which can be useful for exploring you sexuality with your partner.
Switch | | 96% | Experimental | | 79% | Sadism | | 79% | Bondage | | 79% | Submission | | 75% | Domination | | 61% | Masochism | | 54% | Exhibitionism and Voyeurism | | 39% | Degradation | | 32% | Vanilla Sex | | 25% | </td>
Do you have an inclination for BDSM?
created with QuizFarm.com |
"My brother got me an eight-hour porno once. It featured a fellow with two dicks. A thespian with no equal."
-Ben
"I gotta' be nimble. Like the swan!"
-Al
"[on discussing high-end French porn] I masturbate with my pinky out. Because it's classy."
-Ben
"[in regards to Ed sleeping] He had a really rough day... We went for a walk. It was a really long walk."
-Mike
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| Worktime Drawings |
[16 Aug 2007|07:25pm] |
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Nothing! |
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Drawn the day after I saw Tool with Elie, after checking out some Alex Grey art.
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| From the Office, on Recent Events and Musings |
[19 Jul 2007|09:39am] |
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My uncle is in Pennsylvania today, so I get to read until four o' clock and then go home. I'm leaving at three-thirty so that I can get a big head start before traffic seeps onto the highways and extends my commute by a half hour, minimum. I've got Operation Ivy, The Dead Kennedys, and Bad Religion sneering through the speakers at the moment, an iced latte sweating to my left, and a mental image of Paul and me making dinner floating in the back of my head, reminding me that tonight is probably going to make me sit back and smile.
I spoke to my mother on Monday. Things are better now, but the test will be when we disagree on something again. She is going to be more relaxed about me seeing my friends, and I am going to work on showing my interest and affection to her. Also, she thinks I've stopped smoking, and I'll do everything I can to make her believe that. I never betrayed my opinion of weed - that it's not a big deal - but in this situation, I can hold my tongue and let my family members think what they want. The thing about people who are really conservative about weed, who haven't tried it and don't intend to, is that their opinions are usually extremely flawed, or at least skewed, and basically impossible to change. This opinion was solidified when I spoke to my aunt about what was going on recently, back on Sunday, and she became "extremely disappointed" and heated when I told her about how my mother caught my friends and me smoking in my room, after which we had a too-long, tedious discussion about pot. If you haven't guessed, she is also very conservative, and completely inexperienced, when it comes to drugs. I was told that if I try anything beyond pot that I would be disowned. Meanwhile, I still look forward to tripping on shrooms and acid, at least once. Not to be hardcore in any way, because drugs aren't, really, but I am pretty open-minded and relaxed about certain things. Coke and heroin don't interest me in the slightest, and I am extremely skeptical about ecstasy, but psychadelics sound like they'd be my bag.
I went to a Tool concert with Elie and three of his friends yesterday... it was delightful. We got there very early and made cheeseburgers - I believe this is called tailgating. I didn't have any beer because I am underage, and I didn't smoke at all, even when people offered to me, because I didn't want my cousin to feel uncomfortable, as I'm his younger cousin and he is protective of me. Plus, he knows about the situation with my family, so I'm not sure what his thoughts are on me continuing to smoke; however, I know he isn't uptight in any way about drugs, so I trust him. Elie is the only person I can say I definitely look up to, to be honest.
While at the concert, I felt like I was constantly surrounded by a cloud of weed. I could smell it everywhere; it amazed me and amused me, because it took me back to the memory of my first Tool concert, and first concert in general, ever. We had seat tickets, and suddenly I smelled what I then recalled to be the aroma of rancid fried chicken and asked Elie's then-girlfriend what that was. Hilarious and ironic.
My feet got very muddy because it rained and we were on the lawn, and also because I was wearing flip-flops, but the show was great. It was a little humid out, but cool, and the stars were wondrously bright, even amidst a haze of smoke and the glow of the PNC Arts Center. I slept over Elie's house, but before we went to bed I made him, his roommate, Mike (but they call him Feels, though that's probably misspelled), and myself grilled cheese sandwiches. Elie's couch is terribly comfortable, and his duvet is the perfect weight and texture - not too prissy, and not scratchy. I want a new duvet for my bed, a black one to hide stains and compliment the white of my sheets. I want to keep my sheets because they are so damn soft!
Now that my home situation seems to be settling for the better, though I'm still tense about it to a degree, I hope to see more of my friends. Namely my friends from Clark (Kelly, Liz, Cassie) and Roselle Park (The Core, Mike Diaz). I haven't seen Kristin in a long time, due to the insanity with my mother, and also because she and Eric are now an item, and I understand how it is when you want to just spend time enjoying a relationship. I have to admit, though, that it's been nothing short of fantastic to hang out with Paul almost every day. I have been going to his house in the evenings just to chill, which the past two times has included smoking and listening to music and talking and watching WhiteCap on Winamp. That's what we do - we just hang out and enjoy each other's existence. I have never met anyone I clicked with so immediately and so intensely - I feel as though our friendship was fated, like two atoms slowly orbited within a sea of nothing and by chance crossed paths, only to combine by reflex. We want to get an apartment together as soon as possible, which would be fantastic. He might go to Rutgers soon (he's going to a community college at the moment). If he did, that would be so sweet. Kelly is already going (amazing!!!!!), and I already have two friends there (Dave and Nick). Mmm, friendship.
Mike is doing fine. I haven't seen him so often this week, but Paul is having a party on Friday, and since he will afterwards be away for the weekend, I'm spending the majority of it with Mike. We like to get breakfast at the Lovin' Oven in Milford, which is apparently owned by an intriguing-looking, tattooed, bearded, lanky man with high cheekbones, short and singly-dreadlocked hair, and big, lovely eyes. His name is Joe, and I like to tease Mike about how fiercely I desire him. Truthfully, I am very happy with Mike, though if I were to honor the word truthfully, sometimes I don't know exactly what to think about Paul. But I'm not worried. It's one of those situations where you are beyond just friends, but you can't fit the relationship into a conventional boyfriend-girlfriend image. Is that when you'd introduce the idea of a soulmate? I don't really believe in exact soulmates, as though it were a matter of mirror images, but I think there are people one can connect with on a naturally encompassing, even metaphysical, level. Also, I think about how these kinds of thoughts are only to be expected when you hang out with someone of the opposite (or same, if you're like that) gender all the time. I recall that used to be the situation with Eric, and that was when I was with Brandon, who was hundreds of miles away, and that eventually those feelings seemingly instantly dissipated, though the friendship aspect was still there. It is a fascinating thing, emotion, especially when you're just a teenager. I only wish I could recognize what is or is not the work of hormones. But, to reiterate this point, despite all of these musings, at the end of the day, I always imagine myself 'being with' Mike. It is hard to truly, strongly ascribe the particular... atmosphere? of a monogamous relationship to anything aside from that relationship. Even if one forced it, I believe that the reality would differ significantly from the imaginary. I liken it to the allure of what one cannot have, or the love of the chase - in this case, the chase of the imaginary. Maybe I'm merely deluding myself, maybe not - either way, I'm not afraid. I don't get worked up about much these days. Plus, I'm confident in my emotions, self-honesty, and intelligence.
I want to get back to re-reading Murakami's The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle before this becomes even more lengthy and tedious. What an incredible book! No other author that I know of can so gracefully and elegantly weave such intricate and mind-blowing plots. His characters are so particular, and his style is so subtle but with such a strong presence... it's fascinating.
Also, I would make a picture post, but my camera stopped working! Feh!
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| A New Record |
[15 Jul 2007|03:41pm] |
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The Beatles - Eleanor Rigby |
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asphyxiateit (2:50:13 PM): yeah so my mother went psychotic this morning
NonLethalDeath (2:50:21 PM): oh my
NonLethalDeath(2:50:25 PM): what happened?
asphyxiateit(2:51:01 PM): Mike stayed over last night because his brother came back from Rutgers, and the two have a very tense relationship right now
asphyxiateit(2:51:09 PM): he doesn't feel safe around his brother, so he wanted to stay over here
NonLethalDeath(2:51:12 PM): ah
NonLethalDeath(2:51:16 PM): thats lame
asphyxiateit(2:51:45 PM): I asked my father if that was okay, and he said yes, but my mother found out this morning (we came in super late last night because we were at my friend's house), and when she did she came to my room and started pounding on the door
asphyxiateit(2:52:05 PM): so when I went out, she was walking downstairs to the kitchen, and my father was there and followed, so I went, too
asphyxiateit(2:52:07 PM): and she flipped out
asphyxiateit(2:52:56 PM): she started screaming at me about how she didn't want anyone here, and wanted Mike out, and when my father told her that he said it was okay, she flipped out and started screaming at me again, saying that I was putting them against each other and asking me if I wanted to separate them
NonLethalDeath(2:53:14 PM): wtf?
asphyxiateit(2:53:17 PM): and saying that if my father or I wanted a divorce, that we had it, and she started yelling at my dad
NonLethalDeath(2:53:32 PM): O.o
NonLethalDeath(2:53:36 PM): what in the fuck
asphyxiateit(2:53:36 PM): and my dad was like, why are you saying that to her? and I eventually said "No, I don't want you to get separated!"
asphyxiateit(2:54:01 PM): my father asked why she didn't want anyone here, and she started screaming about how she doesn't want users in the house, and my friends and I are users
asphyxiateit(2:54:11 PM): and that Mike is twenty-four or twenty-five and should know how to take care of me
asphyxiateit(2:54:14 PM): (he's twenty-three)
asphyxiateit(2:54:57 PM): and she screamed about how I want them to trust her but I broke their trust, and I have to earn it, and she started screaming at my dad, asking did he want her to be dead inside, and that she was
asphyxiateit(2:55:19 PM): and then she went over and grabbed this bag of prescription pills and opened the container and threw a handful into her mouth
NonLethalDeath(2:55:33 PM): WHAAAAAT THE FUCK
asphyxiateit(2:55:35 PM): and my father was like, what are you doing that for?? and tried to get her to spit them out into the sink
asphyxiateit(2:55:50 PM): but she was screaming, both of you get out of my life!!! and struggling with him
asphyxiateit(2:55:55 PM): and I was just standing there at the table
asphyxiateit(2:56:26 PM): but she kept screaming for us to get out of her life, until she left to her room or something
NonLethalDeath(2:56:35 PM): ...
NonLethalDeath(2:56:38 PM): dude
NonLethalDeath(2:56:42 PM): that is not good at all
NonLethalDeath(2:56:46 PM): and i know i dont need to tell you that
NonLethalDeath(2:57:10 PM): but honestly...i think theres only one route to go dude...just counciling
NonLethalDeath(2:57:13 PM): cause i mean fuck
NonLethalDeath(2:57:19 PM): i can understand being stressed out and yelling
NonLethalDeath(2:57:22 PM): everyone fights now and then
NonLethalDeath(2:57:30 PM): but that shit is way the fuck over the line
asphyxiateit(2:57:49 PM): I don't want to be blamed for a divorce, and have my mother try to kill herself in front of me
asphyxiateit(2:57:57 PM): this is insane
asphyxiateit(2:58:04 PM): I don't feel safe here
NonLethalDeath(2:58:13 PM): listen
NonLethalDeath(2:58:21 PM): same shit i say to kristin and ryan goes for you
NonLethalDeath(2:58:30 PM): if you honestly ever need a place to hide out for w/e
NonLethalDeath(2:58:35 PM): you need a pickup you need anything
NonLethalDeath(2:58:37 PM): let me know
asphyxiateit(2:58:39 PM): thank you
NonLethalDeath(2:58:47 PM): its no problem
asphyxiateit(2:58:50 PM): I don't want to be home, but I'll get yelled at if I leave
NonLethalDeath(2:58:57 PM): cause honestly...i worry about shit like this more than most things
NonLethalDeath(2:59:10 PM): jesus
asphyxiateit(2:59:19 PM): even if I stay home and do what she wants, it's not going to fix what is fundamentally wrong with her
asphyxiateit(2:59:26 PM): even if she sees me only as a "user"
NonLethalDeath(2:59:37 PM): yeah
NonLethalDeath(2:59:45 PM): well first off
NonLethalDeath(2:59:48 PM): just hide all your shit
NonLethalDeath(2:59:58 PM): hide your piece...finish off what youve got
NonLethalDeath(3:00:01 PM): or hand it off to someone else
NonLethalDeath(3:00:07 PM): just avoid any possible other shit if you havnt already
asphyxiateit(3:00:20 PM): I have
NonLethalDeath(3:00:50 PM): i figured you would have by now
asphyxiateit(3:00:57 PM): I just don't understand how suddenly I go from being her daughter to just being a junkie
NonLethalDeath(3:01:09 PM): yeah
asphyxiateit(3:01:33 PM): like, I'm not even a daughter who has issues and rebels, I'm just a straight-out junkie
asphyxiateit(3:01:54 PM): I don't want to have to deal with wondering if my mom is going to try to kill herself on any given day because I'm not unquestioningly following her every order
NonLethalDeath(3:02:00 PM): yeah...honestly your mom needs help
NonLethalDeath(3:02:07 PM): cause her views are so horrifically twisted
NonLethalDeath(3:02:20 PM): yeah, and no one should have to deal with that
asphyxiateit(3:02:24 PM): and I feel really bad for putting my dad in the middle
NonLethalDeath(3:02:26 PM): let alone her fuckin children
asphyxiateit(3:02:48 PM): but she is so screwed up
NonLethalDeath(3:02:55 PM): yeah
NonLethalDeath(3:03:12 PM): i mean i cant judge it for shit but i think it may be from way back
NonLethalDeath(3:03:19 PM): cause shit like this doesnt just "happen" overnight
NonLethalDeath(3:03:27 PM): this shit takes a while and builds up then gets triggered
asphyxiateit(3:03:48 PM): my dad said I have to try to comfort her because she's under so much stress, and I should have seen it before and tried to help her out
asphyxiateit(3:03:54 PM): but I said that this goes beyond just the present
asphyxiateit(3:04:00 PM): and that I could only be sympathetic to a point
NonLethalDeath(3:04:19 PM): well hey...question
NonLethalDeath(3:04:21 PM): are you dorming?
NonLethalDeath(3:04:39 PM): cause same shit i said to kristin would be just hang in there for the time being, bend to her will for now and lose your spine
NonLethalDeath(3:04:44 PM): then once your outta there your out
asphyxiateit(3:05:19 PM): I am dorming
NonLethalDeath(3:05:30 PM): well thats good to hear..i mean..its fucked up to think of it like that
NonLethalDeath(3:05:34 PM): but..thats not healthy
asphyxiateit(3:05:42 PM): I just don't want to be near her
asphyxiateit(3:05:55 PM): I like being at home because it's my house, but I hate being around her and dealing with her on any level
NonLethalDeath(3:05:58 PM): understandably so
NonLethalDeath(3:06:19 PM): i dont think that any of the stuff thats happened over the last year or two helps
NonLethalDeath(3:06:25 PM): i mean your dad losing his job
NonLethalDeath(3:06:31 PM): jon and nadia situation
NonLethalDeath(3:06:43 PM): and im guessing there had to be other shit in between
asphyxiateit(3:06:45 PM): yeah
asphyxiateit(3:07:39 PM): because I don't know if they'll react the same way, about me just being a junkie
asphyxiateit(3:07:45 PM): none of them know anything about weed
asphyxiateit(3:07:54 PM): and they'll blame me for not trying to help my mom out with her stress
asphyxiateit(3:08:11 PM): but you can't just say that's what did it when someone is so crazy she will try to kill herself in front of her daughter
NonLethalDeath(3:08:14 PM): eesh
NonLethalDeath(3:08:22 PM): lol
NonLethalDeath(3:08:28 PM): i was gonna watch that last night
asphyxiateit(3:08:31 PM): and she was blaming me for an imminent divorce
asphyxiateit(3:08:47 PM): you don't blame kids for a divorce! That's terrible!
NonLethalDeath(3:08:52 PM): never
asphyxiateit(3:09:24 PM): But after everything, I was petting Chi-Chi and took him upstairs, and Mike was waiting, so I cried and told him about it
asphyxiateit(3:09:31 PM): then we went out to breakfast, and I'm obviously here now
NonLethalDeath(3:09:39 PM): yeah
asphyxiateit(3:10:00 PM): so I'm just going to fold laundry, because my father told me to, and stay here, I guess
asphyxiateit(3:10:06 PM): I don't even feel safe asking if I can go see my friends
asphyxiateit(3:10:15 PM): she will tell me no because she doesn't want me to see ANYONE
NonLethalDeath(3:11:02 PM): oh my
NonLethalDeath(3:11:10 PM): good thing you didnt pick up before
NonLethalDeath(3:11:17 PM): i was gonna come over with blair and derek to visit you
NonLethalDeath(3:11:33 PM): but that seems like it would have just exacerbated(sp?) things
asphyxiateit(3:11:40 PM): I don't know if she'd be mad about you guys
asphyxiateit(3:11:46 PM): but I should go visit you instead
NonLethalDeath(3:12:05 PM): whys that
asphyxiateit(3:12:07 PM): it's just easier
asphyxiateit(3:12:13 PM): I don't have to worry about her reacting to anything
asphyxiateit(3:12:17 PM): aside from me going
asphyxiateit(3:12:57 PM): I don't want her near my friends because she does really mean things like say they are all junkies
asphyxiateit(3:13:01 PM): and bad people
asphyxiateit(3:13:11 PM): they don't deserve to be judged by someone like that
NonLethalDeath(3:13:17 PM): yeah
NonLethalDeath(3:13:27 PM): well hey...no matter whats going on she is still your mother
NonLethalDeath(3:13:34 PM): i mean...thats just how i see shit
asphyxiateit(3:13:37 PM): I know
asphyxiateit(3:13:40 PM): I don't hate her
NonLethalDeath(3:13:48 PM): oh ok
NonLethalDeath(3:13:55 PM): i misread that then...my b
asphyxiateit(3:13:57 PM): it's alright
asphyxiateit(3:14:03 PM): I think she's just really screwed-up
NonLethalDeath(3:14:13 PM): yeah
NonLethalDeath(3:14:16 PM): she needs counciling
NonLethalDeath(3:14:27 PM): and she needs time to sort her shit out and find an outlet for her stress
asphyxiateit(3:14:37 PM): she's never been able to deal with stress or anger
asphyxiateit(3:14:43 PM): she used to blow up like this when I was younger
asphyxiateit(3:14:53 PM): I was cleaning our old basement once, and she came down and started throwing VHS tapes
asphyxiateit(3:15:04 PM): not directly at me, but in my direction
NonLethalDeath(3:15:06 PM): wtf?
asphyxiateit(3:15:27 PM): she slapped me once for handing in an incomplete homework assignment, in the third grade
NonLethalDeath(3:15:43 PM): O.O
NonLethalDeath(3:15:52 PM): is your mom just really old school or some shit?
NonLethalDeath(3:15:58 PM): like....really really really old school?
NonLethalDeath(3:16:01 PM): cause damn dude
asphyxiateit(3:16:01 PM): that and she is just really fucked up
asphyxiateit(3:16:24 PM): so when I refused to take it off, she ripped it off my head
asphyxiateit(3:16:32 PM): she has major control issues
asphyxiateit(3:16:41 PM): and cannot deal with anger appropriately
NonLethalDeath(3:17:05 PM): yeah
NonLethalDeath(3:17:07 PM): quite obviously
asphyxiateit(3:18:09 PM): I still have to tell Jonathan what's going on
asphyxiateit(3:18:14 PM): it's gotten worse since he's gone
asphyxiateit(3:18:21 PM): I think because now she focuses everything on me
asphyxiateit(3:18:37 PM): and apparently I'm the one driving her crazy
asphyxiateit(3:19:03 PM): she is making me work for my uncle because she wants me to have to drive three hours a day in traffic, because she had to
asphyxiateit(3:19:09 PM): she told me "maybe you will get a flavor for what I do"
asphyxiateit(3:19:19 PM): that's just being really bitchy
NonLethalDeath(3:19:22 PM): ...
NonLethalDeath(3:19:25 PM): yeah
NonLethalDeath(3:19:28 PM): thats silly
NonLethalDeath(3:19:33 PM): however working for family is always nice
asphyxiateit(3:19:46 PM): the job is alright, it's just a ridiculous drive
asphyxiateit(3:19:54 PM): especially to do four days a week
asphyxiateit(3:19:57 PM): during my summer
NonLethalDeath(3:20:35 PM): yeah
asphyxiateit(3:23:50 PM): I would have loved to see all of you, but it's just so crazy here
asphyxiateit(3:24:06 PM): I haven't seen any of my old friends from Clark, either
asphyxiateit(3:24:08 PM): which sucks
asphyxiateit(3:24:22 PM): I have to tell Derek what's going on
NonLethalDeath(3:24:31 PM): yeah
NonLethalDeath(3:24:36 PM): i can only imagine
asphyxiateit(3:24:36 PM): when people are like, "How are you?" I have to think before I answer
NonLethalDeath(3:24:46 PM): which is wise for now
asphyxiateit(3:24:55 PM): I'd tell them, it's just such a long story
NonLethalDeath(3:25:12 PM): oh
asphyxiateit(3:25:32 PM): well I wouldn't tell some of the stuff to random people
NonLethalDeath(3:25:46 PM): understandably so
asphyxiateit(3:26:11 PM): I try to defend my mother as best as I can, but when I tell stories it's hard to make her seem like she has good qualities
NonLethalDeath(3:26:31 PM): yeah
NonLethalDeath(3:26:36 PM): unless youve actually been with her before
NonLethalDeath(3:26:47 PM): cause i mean..i love your mom...honesrly she has great qualities to her
NonLethalDeath(3:27:03 PM): but not everone has that baseline to think about with this stuff
asphyxiateit(3:27:52 PM): I'm not even in school and my head feels full
NonLethalDeath(3:28:13 PM): well hey..do you work tomorrow?
asphyxiateit(3:28:20 PM): Every weekday but Wednesday :/
NonLethalDeath(3:28:26 PM): ah
NonLethalDeath(3:28:29 PM): well...this weekend comin up
NonLethalDeath(3:28:31 PM): come down here
asphyxiateit(3:28:38 PM): I'll try to
NonLethalDeath(3:28:41 PM): k
NonLethalDeath(3:28:42 PM): also
NonLethalDeath(3:28:45 PM): get some butt
NonLethalDeath(3:28:55 PM): totally helps get rid of stress
asphyxiateit(3:29:00 PM): lol, I try to spend as much time with Mike as I can
NonLethalDeath(3:29:08 PM): which is a good idea
asphyxiateit(3:29:11 PM): which is a catch-22, since that's one thing my mother hates
asphyxiateit(3:29:21 PM): when I am with him, plus him
NonLethalDeath(3:29:29 PM): ~___~
NonLethalDeath(3:29:52 PM): your life is the culmination of so many old shakespearian plays...
NonLethalDeath(3:29:56 PM): its almost sickening
asphyxiateit(3:30:20 PM): I would not be surprised if someone ended up getting murdered or committing suicide
asphyxiateit(3:30:21 PM): or both
NonLethalDeath(3:30:30 PM): dont say that
NonLethalDeath(3:30:37 PM): honesrly..not a good direction to have your thoughts
NonLethalDeath(3:30:46 PM): think happy thoughts...like when you play sonic
NonLethalDeath(3:30:48 PM): and you break machines
asphyxiateit(3:30:49 PM): lol
NonLethalDeath(3:30:52 PM): and rabbits and squirrels come out
asphyxiateit(3:30:55 PM): sweet
NonLethalDeath(3:30:58 PM): lol
asphyxiateit(3:31:31 PM): I'm not super depressed, I'm just getting worn out
NonLethalDeath(3:31:41 PM): yeah
NonLethalDeath(3:31:47 PM): well..sleep...sex...and laughter
NonLethalDeath(3:31:50 PM): and in my case food
NonLethalDeath(3:31:52 PM): which i dont suggest
asphyxiateit(3:31:53 PM): lol
asphyxiateit(3:32:02 PM): as I eat a piece of a cinnamon bun
NonLethalDeath(3:32:14 PM): D: i wants cinnamunbun
asphyxiateit(3:32:24 PM): I made fudge yesterday
asphyxiateit(3:32:28 PM): it's pretty good
NonLethalDeath(3:32:33 PM): noice
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